Wild

For the first time in 24 years, I saw a movie by myself and it was liberating! So I did what any young lady of my generation would do. I took a photo to upload to the internet... But in all seriousness, do it. Go and see a movie by yourself if you haven't done so already!

In April/May of last year I started reading Wild by Cheryl Strayed. I had just gotten out of the longest and most serious relationship of my life and was feeling a bit lost. If you've read it, you can see how I would identify with the author. I'm not exaggerating when I say I rebuilt my life around this book. Go read it, it's great. Just don't tell me if you hate it... It's definitely a book that needs to be read at the right moment in your life.

Anyways, my adventure! I walked into the empty theater to see the movie adaptation of Wild and looked around. I could sit anywhere without concern for another soul, living or dead. This may seem insignificant, but I always shirk decision making. When I go to the movies I try to nonchalantly let my friends lead. I'm the first to ask, "Where to?" After some moving between seats and shuffling about, I comfortably settled myself in the back row, just off center. I would have preferred dead-center, but the theater is set up so that center is the aisle, and that's just weird.

Seeing this movie by myself was an exercise in decision making and my own small adventure. It was a reminder that I needed. There's passage in the book, that was unfortunately left out of the movie:

 Fear, to a great extent, is born of a story we tell ourselves, and so I chose to tell myself a different story from the one women are told. I decided I was safe. I was strong. I was brave. Nothing could vanquish me. Insisting on this story was a form of mind control, but for the most part, it worked. 

For months after reading this book, I clung to this passage. I thought of it when the house creaked. It came to mind when I was sad and heart-broken and wondered if it would ever stop. Most importantly, I called to mind this cluster of words when I considered choosing fear. When I debated going out for a bike ride because I didn't know if I could make it up the hill. When I considered not going to a gathering because I had no close friends there. Whenever the voice in my head told me that I couldn't when I wanted to. 

Somehow, over the last few months I've lost track of this. This small saying, 'I am safe. I am strong. I am brave,' that I used as a reminder to hold myself accountable. I wasn't ready to let it go just yet, but I'd unfortunately forgotten it. Without it, I've found myself scared and sad and lonely more often than I'm willing to admit to the internet. Maybe this was just a movie and walking into the theater by myself was no large feat, but for me it was a much needed adventure. It was my reminder to be accountable. That I can and I will. In the end it will work out as it's meant to work out.